ON CATCHING UP

It's hard to believe that it's already 2012! Anyone else having a hard time remembering to write the new year on checks or any other document? You are not alone. I can't say I'm one for setting the typical "resolutions", however, this year will bring with it some BIG changes, so Mr. N. and I are setting our goals accordingly. 

Oh yes, WE ARE PREGNANT! I am in my 10th week and we are beyond thankful. On Thanksgiving day we went in bright and early for a blood test and three grueling hours later, while we were in the car on the way to my in-law's house, we got the call that there is a baby on the way. Yes, we pulled off the road in a safe and non-scary way. Yes, we cried. Yes, we thanked God and have continued to thank Him every day. We know that not every first procedure works, so we feel extra blessed. All of this to say, this year is going to be crazy different for us. 

So, in choosing what I'd like to accomplish this year it's very much like a parfait.....lots of layers. Mr. N. and I are still working on meshing our goals for the year, but right now it's including a lot of prep work and getting the house ready for a tiny human this July/August. I'm ready for spring cleaning like never before and am looking forward to my nausea subsiding so that I can dive in a little more forcefully to such projects. But all in good time. Once I have a more comprehensive list to share I will do so. 

Hope that you all are enjoying the new year so far!

VETERAN'S DAY

This is a picture that I took when Mr. N. and I visited Arlington National Cemetery a few weeks ago. It's an incredible place. It's so peaceful and quiet. Reverent. Birds are chirping, and very occasionally you can hear a few whispers of people passing. Otherwise, it's silent. Simple, white headstones are everywhere. They're nestled under trees and stand triumphantly on hillsides. It's a sobering reminder of just how many people have fought and died for our country. Even more sobering to realize that these headstones don't even represent all of the fallen. And yet, people still sign up today to join the Armed Forces in fighting for us and our country. What would we do without them? It's sad that our society today doesn't honor our soldiers even close to how they used to in years past. The country would rally behind THEM, whether they believed in the war itself or not. Today, it's about protesting or standing outside a soldiers funeral picketing. How far we have fallen. 

At ANC there was also an unmistakable pride and sense of honor that radiated from the soldiers we saw. They take what they do very seriously. They honor the past and fight in the present FOR US. All of the people ridiculously camped out in tents and defecating in the park as part of their protesting across the United States.....they're fighting for you. All of the middle class, the rich, the poor.....they're fighting for you. The children who still need a free country to be raised in......they're fighting for you. They're fighting for you and for me. Let's pay tribute to them today and say thank you. They've given so much for us.

Left at the Vietnam Memorial Wall

DAY 6: IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS

This morning, I came across a neat video by Ann Voskamp found on Emily's site at Chatting at the Sky. It's fantastic! Please take the time to scroll down on Emily's post and watch the video. You won't be sorry. In it, Ann talks about living life moment by moment and not rushing so much. Can you relate to the rushing around? And I don't just mean physical rushing, but also mental rushing. I sure can! My goodness, can I ever! I am not a moment by moment person. I'm an 'if only' person. If only this happened..... If only I had..... If only I was better at..... If only, if only, if only. That's an exhausting way to live.  It's a life of shallow breaths, an aching heart, and a weary soul.

Mr. N. once asked me if I thought I was an envious person. The answer is complicated. Or is it? I'm not really into "stuff". If people have nicer clothes, nicer homes, nicer cars that doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is when they have something that is a deep desire in my heart. It used to be a husband, now it's children. Especially if, in my limited and blinded judgment, it doesn't seem like they "deserve" it. Who am I to know that?! Epic fail on my part. So, yes, the envy is there and makes me constantly look forward to the day when I have that particular thing. It's hard to keep looking towards that moment and still appreciate the here and now. It's nearly impossible to look back on the day I just completed and list off the things I am most thankful for. That kind of existence is NOT what God intended for us. Yes, He has placed certain desires in our hearts. Yes, He has His own timing for when and if those are given to us and just how they'll look, which may not always be how we'd imagined them. But He has also commanded us not to worry about tomorrow. 

 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6: 25-34

 It can feel almost impossible not to worry each day, but it's a worthy battle to fight. We know God is faithful and that His character is absolutely trustworthy, so let's unclench our fists around those dreams we're sure will disappear if we hand the control over. Who are we kidding, really? We know that holding those things so tightly is more of a security blanket for us than something we're able to control. I can't magically put a baby in my uterus (that would be creepy and weird, p.s.) or know exactly where the child we're eventually meant to adopt is right at this moment, but I hold so tightly to these desires that you'd think I actually did have magical powers. Again, exhausting. 

Will you try some things with me? Try listing the things you're thankful for, no matter how small they may seem. Check out Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, if that will help inspire you, and take a look at her blog, just to see what in the world she's talking about. Keep things simple. Enjoy right here, right now. Take a deep breath. Try to soak up every moment of the story God is telling in your life right now, whether you feel like you're on board with it or not. HE LOVES YOU! It may not always feel like that, but that is a fact.  

A LESSON IN GRACE

We have all had those moments. The ones where the well meaning person approaches and shares their opinions on the state of your life, full of smiles and no thought whatsoever about what they're actually saying.....to your face. You know of what I speak. It's almost like a one man cloud of locust that swarms in just long enough to crawl all over you and buzz in your ears and then fly away. (shudder) So far, I'd say that the worst of these moments have come during singleness and during our trying to get pregnant, but I've heard that they also come during parenting, so there's something to look forward to. I can actually hear my friend's voice in my head telling me to cut them some slack and show them a little grace, and she's right. But each day that comes seems to bring a new opportunity to test the waters on just how much a person can take. 

This weekend, while I was out of town, Mr. N. got approached at church by a WMP (well meaning person). She, all in good humor, proceeded to tell him that the pressure is on for us to have kids next, since nearly every other couple our age now has a newborn. He was pretty taken off guard by this and is starting to realize just how often this happens. We both thank God that I wasn't there for this particular encounter, but last night I started thinking about the comment, "the pressure is on". It seemed to catch fire as I turned it over and over and I realized that she has no idea how long the pressure has actually been on us:

• since the first moment I realized I wanted to grow up and be a Mommy
• since I got married when I was 29 after praying to God that He wouldn't make me wait past 21
• since we decided to wait until we were financially stable and in a home of our own before trying for kids
• every time we're asked by people we don't know that well when we're going to have babies
• since we had a random toll booth operator on the Bay Bridge tell us that we'd be pregnant by January and have a baby boy in 2011 (no joke)
• every moment I realize that Mr. N. is a little disappointed, too, by this whole thing
• since we discovered that our church was going through its second round of reproducing like bunnies
• every single Sunday when I have to look at an ex-girlfriend of Mr. N.'s and her husband proudly toting their brand new baby boy
• being caught in the first birthday season of all the friends who have already had babies
• since we realized that people actually think we don't want kids or aren't that interested, when they have no idea of how badly we want this or how hard we're trying
• every birthday that passes sending me further into my 30's
• since we finally discovered that we needed to visit a fertility doctor to find out what was wrong
• every time I struggle with how God made me and trying to accept His design as beautiful and not a mistake
• and now with every blood test, invasive procedure, building hope, disappointment......

We have no shortage of pressure here. We're good, thanks. Still, we know that they mean well. They always do. They have no idea what they're saying, how their words are actually being taken. No idea that being single or not having kids doesn't mean that suddenly they have the right to ask anything they want about your personal life. No idea that we can't control our own time line on this. I hate being blamed in smiles and well wishes for not being parents yet, and think it's craziness that the majority of this comes from people outside of our families, people we don't know all that well to begin with. God be praised, we truly have the BEST families in the world. Our parents encourage us and pray for us, and never guilt trip us on why they're not grandparents yet. I know not all couples can say the same. The people who truly know us are the ones who offer us the most normalcy, the ones who can cry or laugh with us, and the ones who can honestly tell us that it is possible to just smile and offer grace to those who are trying to show concern and excitement in their own "special" way.

One thing that I'm learning along the way is that nothing is too small to give thanks for. As much as there is no shortage of pressure, there is also no shortage of blessing in the pain:

• having a husband who lovingly keeps me from foolishly believing all of this is somehow my fault and who is willing to play an active role in this whole process
• having a monthly cycle miraculously start on time so that we can get on with the rest of the testing
• getting encouragement from the lab tech drawing my blood and listening to her point out good things that can come from all of this
• those brief moments of realizing that God knows all about this and He designed this for good and for His glory
• those brief moments of not comparing ourselves to every other couple and remembering that our story is unique
• seeing little bits of growth in the absolute lowest points
• having both of our parents and families not pressure us, but encourage us and pray for us
• having a trusted circle of friends to stand beside us
• learning more about other friend's stories who have had to go through the same or more difficult situations to get pregnant
• learning to be more sensitive when it comes to how we talk to our single friends or those married with no children yet
• growing closer as a couple through all of this
• having the finances to afford doctor visits and treatments
• remembering that whether we get babies through this process or through adopting, or both, we're still going to have a house full of amazing children someday
• learning to trust God fully, even though it's a moment by moment struggle

So, we continue on learning more every day about grace, about God, about ourselves. We've hit bottom a few different times now, but we know that God is just as much beside us in the tears and valleys as He is in the hope and on the mountain tops.  

HARD NOT TO BE THANKFUL

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it hurt? I'm not talking about that pink, stuffed Unicorn when you were 5 (you know who you are), but something that your heart actually aches so badly for it's physically exhausting sometimes. I'm in that tugboat right now and taking on plenty of water, let me tell you. 

When I was growing up it seemed that all the world made sense. I mean, there was God who I loved, obeyed, and prayed to. There were rules to follow. There was mom and dad to guide me. There was my brother to play G.I. Joe's with. Yo, Joe! There was our Cookie Monster wagon and episodes of MacGyver were on after school if a baseball game wasn't interrupting them (don't even get me started on that one). There was also a pretty clear cut picture of what I was going to grow up to be and do........Wife and mom first, then maybe a career of some kind. But when becoming a wife took far longer than I'd anticipated, seeing as I didn't meet Mr. N. until I was 28, it threw me for a loop. And now we find ourselves waiting for a baby and just passed the point of one year of trying, well, needless to say I'm pretty floored and find myself scrambling to make sense of it all. It has certainly taken it's toll, the waiting, but it has also given me a chance to see more of who God truly is. Meaning I've come to understand that this time of trial is not some cosmic punishment sent from on high. It's a time to remember that God is good ALL the time, that He can see the big picture of what is going on, that He promises to work all things together for good and for His glory, and that I need to put my whole trust in Him knowing that He hears our prayers and knows our hearts. Yes, we rejoice for those we know who have been given this gift before us, but we do still struggle with the pain. However, I know that in the same moment that tears are pouring down my face when I hear that yet another couple around us is expecting, I can run to my Heavenly Father and know that He understands. And I can thank Him for loving Mr. N. and me enough to never leave our side during these times of refining and for everything He has so graciously given us. 

My Mr. N.

Merry

Pippin

Fred

It's hard not to be thankful when I get to look at this bunch every day. =]


My prayer for you is that whatever you may be going through right now, no matter how difficult it may feel at times, that you would find the breath to give thanks even in the midst of the pain. We're not promised that things will make sense, but we are promised that God is faithful. Don't know about you, but that is a tremendous comfort for me.