THE ONE WHERE SHE HAD ALL THE TESTS

Does anyone remember the show The Facts of Life? Oh how I adored that show! I would tune in religiously and sing along as the theme song would start, "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life. There's a time you've got to show and grow, and something-something, then you know the facts of life, the facts of life." Okay, so I don't remember all the words, but you get the point. I got that song stuck in my head this morning and realized how appropriate that first line is for the past week of my life.

Before Mr. N. and I can begin our fertility treatments we've had to go through a lot of tests. There have been blood tests, tests for men only, tests for women only, cultures, HSG (dye) tests, and vaccines. I've been poked, injected, swabbed, had ultrasounds and x-rays. Throw in some stuffing and a good basting and I'd feel like my Grandma's Thanksgiving Turkey. I told Mr. N. that I feel like all I ever do for anyone anymore is spread my legs. Haha. But you take the good you take the bad, right? And it really hasn't been too bad physically. It feels good to know that we're getting things done and moving closer to an actual treatment. My life right now feels like it's being brought to you by the letter "A" for Advil, but it's still moving forward. That's a positive....something to hold onto. 

Another crazy thing has been meeting random people who are struggling with the same thing as us. Talking about fertility treatments seems to be almost taboo with some. I have my theories as to why, but it's still unsettling, since it's more of a common problem than one would think. Case in point, we tried three different places to get a vaccine on Saturday, and we ended up at the Rite Aid with a nurse who is 38 and unable to get pregnant and she has no idea why. She asked us all sorts of questions about the doctor we're seeing and about cost, because the cost is what seemed to be holding her back the most. You could see the frustration in her eyes and how badly she wanted to be a mother. That breaks my heart. Friends have also started coming out and sharing their own stories with us. Friends who have walked some intense roads to hold a baby of their own and we had no idea. Friends who still are broken from loss, but in the same breath rejoice over miracles. Friends who show us what true faith is and hold us up. Incredible and humbling. Yes, I still question God, not just in my own situation but for the situations other dear people find themselves in, too. Some days I can't let it go, while other days I realize I just have to obey and know that I'm not entitled to any special answers, and that's okay. It's not about having all the answers anyways. 


Good and bad, I'm learning how little I really know about the world, the people around me, and about my God. That realization is not a waste of time or money.

I had to share this with you all. I just read this tonight from a book my girlfriends and I are studying right now called "Overcoming Fear, Worry, And Anxiety" by Elyse Fitzpatrick (highly recommend it, by the way). The chapter is called, "The Fear That Results In Blessings" and here is an excerpt that seems very appropriate, "If my life wasn't so tumultuous, you might think, I would be able to serve God. When things calm down, I'll obey Him. Do you see the folly of hiding away from Him instead of finding Him as your Hiding Place? Our lives will always be beset on every side with terrors, difficulties, uncertainties, and grim prospects. We cannot shrink back from our duty to God because it is that duty, that awe-filled obedience, that will burst the chains of fear from our hearts and flood our souls with light."

31 DAYS

It's hard to believe that October is approaching so quickly! I'll be posting soon on some neat ideas for affordable Autumn decorations, but first I wanted to talk about the 31 Days challenge that a ton of bloggers take on every year. Last year, I followed a few of my favorites as they started their 31 Day topics and was so encouraged and got lots of great ideas, so I'm going to try and throw my hat in the ring, too. My topic is 31 Days of Improvement and it will cover both personal improvement and affordable home improvement. I'll try to share some neat things God has been revealing in the book study I'm in, as well as some projects and decorating around the house that I'm going to finally tackle. 

October 1st will be the "linky party" as they call it (it makes me giggle every time.....yes, I'm 12. haha!), so I'll post a link to some of my favorite ladies who will also be participating, so that you can explore and learn to your heart's content. =]

More to come!

A LESSON IN GRACE

We have all had those moments. The ones where the well meaning person approaches and shares their opinions on the state of your life, full of smiles and no thought whatsoever about what they're actually saying.....to your face. You know of what I speak. It's almost like a one man cloud of locust that swarms in just long enough to crawl all over you and buzz in your ears and then fly away. (shudder) So far, I'd say that the worst of these moments have come during singleness and during our trying to get pregnant, but I've heard that they also come during parenting, so there's something to look forward to. I can actually hear my friend's voice in my head telling me to cut them some slack and show them a little grace, and she's right. But each day that comes seems to bring a new opportunity to test the waters on just how much a person can take. 

This weekend, while I was out of town, Mr. N. got approached at church by a WMP (well meaning person). She, all in good humor, proceeded to tell him that the pressure is on for us to have kids next, since nearly every other couple our age now has a newborn. He was pretty taken off guard by this and is starting to realize just how often this happens. We both thank God that I wasn't there for this particular encounter, but last night I started thinking about the comment, "the pressure is on". It seemed to catch fire as I turned it over and over and I realized that she has no idea how long the pressure has actually been on us:

• since the first moment I realized I wanted to grow up and be a Mommy
• since I got married when I was 29 after praying to God that He wouldn't make me wait past 21
• since we decided to wait until we were financially stable and in a home of our own before trying for kids
• every time we're asked by people we don't know that well when we're going to have babies
• since we had a random toll booth operator on the Bay Bridge tell us that we'd be pregnant by January and have a baby boy in 2011 (no joke)
• every moment I realize that Mr. N. is a little disappointed, too, by this whole thing
• since we discovered that our church was going through its second round of reproducing like bunnies
• every single Sunday when I have to look at an ex-girlfriend of Mr. N.'s and her husband proudly toting their brand new baby boy
• being caught in the first birthday season of all the friends who have already had babies
• since we realized that people actually think we don't want kids or aren't that interested, when they have no idea of how badly we want this or how hard we're trying
• every birthday that passes sending me further into my 30's
• since we finally discovered that we needed to visit a fertility doctor to find out what was wrong
• every time I struggle with how God made me and trying to accept His design as beautiful and not a mistake
• and now with every blood test, invasive procedure, building hope, disappointment......

We have no shortage of pressure here. We're good, thanks. Still, we know that they mean well. They always do. They have no idea what they're saying, how their words are actually being taken. No idea that being single or not having kids doesn't mean that suddenly they have the right to ask anything they want about your personal life. No idea that we can't control our own time line on this. I hate being blamed in smiles and well wishes for not being parents yet, and think it's craziness that the majority of this comes from people outside of our families, people we don't know all that well to begin with. God be praised, we truly have the BEST families in the world. Our parents encourage us and pray for us, and never guilt trip us on why they're not grandparents yet. I know not all couples can say the same. The people who truly know us are the ones who offer us the most normalcy, the ones who can cry or laugh with us, and the ones who can honestly tell us that it is possible to just smile and offer grace to those who are trying to show concern and excitement in their own "special" way.

One thing that I'm learning along the way is that nothing is too small to give thanks for. As much as there is no shortage of pressure, there is also no shortage of blessing in the pain:

• having a husband who lovingly keeps me from foolishly believing all of this is somehow my fault and who is willing to play an active role in this whole process
• having a monthly cycle miraculously start on time so that we can get on with the rest of the testing
• getting encouragement from the lab tech drawing my blood and listening to her point out good things that can come from all of this
• those brief moments of realizing that God knows all about this and He designed this for good and for His glory
• those brief moments of not comparing ourselves to every other couple and remembering that our story is unique
• seeing little bits of growth in the absolute lowest points
• having both of our parents and families not pressure us, but encourage us and pray for us
• having a trusted circle of friends to stand beside us
• learning more about other friend's stories who have had to go through the same or more difficult situations to get pregnant
• learning to be more sensitive when it comes to how we talk to our single friends or those married with no children yet
• growing closer as a couple through all of this
• having the finances to afford doctor visits and treatments
• remembering that whether we get babies through this process or through adopting, or both, we're still going to have a house full of amazing children someday
• learning to trust God fully, even though it's a moment by moment struggle

So, we continue on learning more every day about grace, about God, about ourselves. We've hit bottom a few different times now, but we know that God is just as much beside us in the tears and valleys as He is in the hope and on the mountain tops.  

A SHADOW BOX

It has been some time since I've shared a little project with you, so this is a special day! Mostly, I've been painting trim, baseboards, and doors in our house bright white, but here's an idea that grabbed hold of me after watching the movie Miss Potter. Behold! A shadow box.....

About a month or so back I had found a shadow box at a garage sale for $2. (insert choirs singing here) It was a bit dusty, but that's an easy fix. I covered the back in leftover burlap. I used one large piece to cover the entire backing and then three strips across to give it some visual interest. I didn't need to glue it or pin it, because it fit nice and snug when I pressed the backing back into the box. After watching Miss Potter, I was inspired by a quote I heard, so I looked it up to make sure it was an actual Beatrix Potter quote which it was. The quote: "There is something delicious about writing the first few words of a story. You never quite know where they'll take you." It seemed rather appropriate for where Mr. N. and I are in our lives right now and since we do love Beatrix Potter all systems were a go. 

I typed up the quote in a fancy font and printed it out on normal, white, copy paper. I cut out the quote leaving extra space around it, and then carefully burned the edges of the paper over a candle, allowing the edges to keep an organic shape. I only pinned it to the top, since I was afraid the hot glue would leave grease marks on the paper. I then used a little bird's nest party favor that we received at my brother-in-law's wedding. The eggs in it are Jordan almonds coated to look like Robin's eggs, so I sprayed a coat of polyurethane over them (we all know they last forever anyways, but a little extra coverage isn't a bad idea) and then hot glued them into the nest. I found two charcoal pencils from my days at art school and hot glued them at the bottom.


It's simple, but whimsical, and is now hanging proudly in our bathroom. =] Sometimes, less is more, and it's always fun to see what can be done with things you already have on hand.

HARD NOT TO BE THANKFUL

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it hurt? I'm not talking about that pink, stuffed Unicorn when you were 5 (you know who you are), but something that your heart actually aches so badly for it's physically exhausting sometimes. I'm in that tugboat right now and taking on plenty of water, let me tell you. 

When I was growing up it seemed that all the world made sense. I mean, there was God who I loved, obeyed, and prayed to. There were rules to follow. There was mom and dad to guide me. There was my brother to play G.I. Joe's with. Yo, Joe! There was our Cookie Monster wagon and episodes of MacGyver were on after school if a baseball game wasn't interrupting them (don't even get me started on that one). There was also a pretty clear cut picture of what I was going to grow up to be and do........Wife and mom first, then maybe a career of some kind. But when becoming a wife took far longer than I'd anticipated, seeing as I didn't meet Mr. N. until I was 28, it threw me for a loop. And now we find ourselves waiting for a baby and just passed the point of one year of trying, well, needless to say I'm pretty floored and find myself scrambling to make sense of it all. It has certainly taken it's toll, the waiting, but it has also given me a chance to see more of who God truly is. Meaning I've come to understand that this time of trial is not some cosmic punishment sent from on high. It's a time to remember that God is good ALL the time, that He can see the big picture of what is going on, that He promises to work all things together for good and for His glory, and that I need to put my whole trust in Him knowing that He hears our prayers and knows our hearts. Yes, we rejoice for those we know who have been given this gift before us, but we do still struggle with the pain. However, I know that in the same moment that tears are pouring down my face when I hear that yet another couple around us is expecting, I can run to my Heavenly Father and know that He understands. And I can thank Him for loving Mr. N. and me enough to never leave our side during these times of refining and for everything He has so graciously given us. 

My Mr. N.

Merry

Pippin

Fred

It's hard not to be thankful when I get to look at this bunch every day. =]


My prayer for you is that whatever you may be going through right now, no matter how difficult it may feel at times, that you would find the breath to give thanks even in the midst of the pain. We're not promised that things will make sense, but we are promised that God is faithful. Don't know about you, but that is a tremendous comfort for me.

Set The Way Back Machine

Meet my dinosaur friend, Washburne. He keeps my ipod cozy and the music flowing, and was an incredible etsy find here. Remember what I said about naming inanimate objects? Friends, he is no exception. 

This morning whilst running errands, Washburne and I were rockin' the tunes, sipping on a tasty Peet's beverage (me, not Wash), and I started getting incredibly nostalgic. We all have those specific songs that take us to another dimension faster than you can say, "Beam me up, Scotty!". My trigger seems to be 90's Christian music and Christmas music. This morning it was my boy, SCC, that started the trip through way back machine.

I grew up listening to a combination of oldies classics, 1940's gems, and old school Christian music. Think Beatles plus Nat King Cole plus Steven Curtis Chapman. I remember my dad dedicating special songs to my family on the radio when he worked as a DJ. The Beach Boy's "Kokomo" never sounded so good. I remember religiously reading CCM Magazine and being the resident "expert" on all Christian music related questions at the little Christian school we went to. Hey, every kid has something. My mom and I would stay up until midnight on Saturday nights to watch the only Christian music video show that aired in our area and would get soooooo upset when they'd show re-runs. We would record the Dove Awards (Christian Grammy's) every April and cheer and jeer with an intensity that could only be compared to the cheering and jeering we would dish out at WWF matches. Oh-ho-ho, that's right, friends! (Remember when PFR sang into a Styrofoam cup?! Don't even get me started!) My family would go to any and every Steven Curtis Chapman concert near us, period. And after attending enough Christian concerts, we learned to embrace two words, "Reserved Seating". Don't they sound like the unmistakable ring of pure crystal or like the gentle beating of angel's wings? Hearing the phrase "General Admission" was like a four letter word that we tried to avoid AT.ALL.COSTS. I still won't go to any concert that has those two words attached to it, much to Mr. N's chagrin. (Seriously, anyone ever go to a general admission Carmen concert? No? Consider yourself fortunate for missing that vortex of pain and despair. I still have nightmares and bouts of dry heaving.) 

Christmas time was all about our sweet Chevron compilation cassette tapes. Those were the days when even the gas stations wanted to help you celebrate the sounds of the season. sigh. My brother developed an incredible Judy Collins impression from one of these tapes that he'll still share with us from time to time to our great amusement. Shout out, Judy! Being bundled in the back of my dad's Dodge Colt, driving around looking at Christmas lights, and hearing a little crooning from Bing or Nat was like breathing for us at that time of year. John Denver and the Muppets on vinyl was tradition, and it never seemed like Christmas until the music started. 

I look back and realize how much things have changed. My favorite artists of the past are older now and have had to redefine their music and audience. CCM itself isn't as relevant as it used to be for whatever reason, not to mention the fact that a lot of the artists are more concerned about being an alternative for a specific "secular" band then walking their own, unique musical path. I find myself rediscovering a lot of my favorites and looking to see what they've been up to for all these years....if I still can embrace their newest endeavors like I did back then. I'm discovering new artists that are marching to their own creative drummer and finding those songs that seem to speak to my journey, rather than listening or not listening because they fall under certain labels.  I'm appreciating that the classics of the past are classics for a reason, and Christmas still doesn't start for me until I hear Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song".  Maybe things haven't changed quite as much as I think.

It's fun to revisit such music and remember. It's nice to have moments where I'm not afraid to kick it old school and sing at the top of my lungs in a secure vehicular type environment with only a dinosaur ipod cozy to hear me. Oh that we allowed ourselves to really embrace more moments like that. 

So, on this Thursday afternoon, turn up the music! Drive safely, of course, but do sing out loud! Go out and party like you're at a 1990's, reserved seating, Christian concert!     

   

Let's Get Creative!

A very happy Wednesday morning to you all! Today feels like a much brighter day than yesterday was for me, and I feel a renewed sense of determination to tackle a few larger projects around the house. My mom and I were talking yesterday about our great need to be creative and how important being creative truly is, especially if God put that desire in you in the first place. So, I thought I'd show you a little project I just finished and a new one I'm going to be working on.

My Mr. N. is an Eagle Scout. That was one of the things that impressed me right off the bat about him and earned him MAJOR bonus points with my Grandparents, especially. =] He had quite a few pieces of memorabilia from those days placed in a box, but I really wanted to see them out and about considering how much work each precious patch represents. I looked into buying a large shadow box, but those are EXPENSIVE so I looked around to see what I had on hand. I started with an ordinary collage picture frame:

I removed the picture insert portion, but saved the cardboard backing. I then wrapped the cardboard backing with burlap (two layers worth, since you can see through it) that I'd purchased at JoAnn's Fabric (with a coupon!), cutting the burlap to be about an inch and a half or so around the edges. You'll just need to make sure you have enough to glue to the cardboard. Our cat, Pippin, was helping, as you can see.

Then I hot glued the burlap to the cardboard. The burlap is pretty thick, so I had to press down to make sure it was all sticking properly.

After hot gluing, it looked like this:

I then set out all of the memorabilia Mr. N. wanted to include, leaving room for any additional pieces we will need to get from his parents later on. It was a perfect time to let me move things around to fit properly before gluing.

Now, what I didn't take a picture of was that I used safety pins to pin both the sash and the scarf to the burlap. I didn't want to hot glue those particular items, so I was careful to get everything in line first and then pin it. I also pinned the corners of the scarf to the back where the burlap was glued. I hot glued each patch to the burlap. As for the pin at the top, I just pushed the pin straight into the cardboard, which was enough to keep it steady.

Fitting it into the frame was tricky, since it was so thick. However, after a bit of time, I was able to get it in there snug as a bug and still press the tiny metal brackets on the frame down around the cardboard piece to secure it in place. Here is the finished product:

 
Spiffy, no? The back doesn't look pretty, but we know what the Nester says, "It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful", and it's not about the back, it's about the front, right? =] 

For another project I did that was similar, I used a flour sack dish towel for the fabric. There are definitely lots of inexpensive options out there.

The next project I'm going to start working on has to do with this little beauty. Behold!

Front

Back

We found this crate on the side of the road. Shocker, I know. Even though it's a tad beat up, it's going to look pretty epic once I'm finished with it (or so I tell myself along with playing the song "Eye of the Tiger" in my head). haha.

Hope you're finding ways to be creative this week, too! I'd love to see/hear about some of your projects! Happy creating!