Does anyone remember the show The Facts of Life? Oh how I adored that show! I would tune in religiously and sing along as the theme song would start, "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life. There's a time you've got to show and grow, and something-something, then you know the facts of life, the facts of life." Okay, so I don't remember all the words, but you get the point. I got that song stuck in my head this morning and realized how appropriate that first line is for the past week of my life.
Before Mr. N. and I can begin our fertility treatments we've had to go through a lot of tests. There have been blood tests, tests for men only, tests for women only, cultures, HSG (dye) tests, and vaccines. I've been poked, injected, swabbed, had ultrasounds and x-rays. Throw in some stuffing and a good basting and I'd feel like my Grandma's Thanksgiving Turkey. I told Mr. N. that I feel like all I ever do for anyone anymore is spread my legs. Haha. But you take the good you take the bad, right? And it really hasn't been too bad physically. It feels good to know that we're getting things done and moving closer to an actual treatment. My life right now feels like it's being brought to you by the letter "A" for Advil, but it's still moving forward. That's a positive....something to hold onto.
Another crazy thing has been meeting random people who are struggling with the same thing as us. Talking about fertility treatments seems to be almost taboo with some. I have my theories as to why, but it's still unsettling, since it's more of a common problem than one would think. Case in point, we tried three different places to get a vaccine on Saturday, and we ended up at the Rite Aid with a nurse who is 38 and unable to get pregnant and she has no idea why. She asked us all sorts of questions about the doctor we're seeing and about cost, because the cost is what seemed to be holding her back the most. You could see the frustration in her eyes and how badly she wanted to be a mother. That breaks my heart. Friends have also started coming out and sharing their own stories with us. Friends who have walked some intense roads to hold a baby of their own and we had no idea. Friends who still are broken from loss, but in the same breath rejoice over miracles. Friends who show us what true faith is and hold us up. Incredible and humbling. Yes, I still question God, not just in my own situation but for the situations other dear people find themselves in, too. Some days I can't let it go, while other days I realize I just have to obey and know that I'm not entitled to any special answers, and that's okay. It's not about having all the answers anyways.
Good and bad, I'm learning how little I really know about the world, the people around me, and about my God. That realization is not a waste of time or money.
I had to share this with you all. I just read this tonight from a book my girlfriends and I are studying right now called "Overcoming Fear, Worry, And Anxiety" by Elyse Fitzpatrick (highly recommend it, by the way). The chapter is called, "The Fear That Results In Blessings" and here is an excerpt that seems very appropriate, "If my life wasn't so tumultuous, you might think, I would be able to serve God. When things calm down, I'll obey Him. Do you see the folly of hiding away from Him instead of finding Him as your Hiding Place? Our lives will always be beset on every side with terrors, difficulties, uncertainties, and grim prospects. We cannot shrink back from our duty to God because it is that duty, that awe-filled obedience, that will burst the chains of fear from our hearts and flood our souls with light."