Monday, September 19, 2011


We have all had those moments. The ones where the well meaning person approaches and shares their opinions on the state of your life, full of smiles and no thought whatsoever about what they're actually your face. You know of what I speak. It's almost like a one man cloud of locust that swarms in just long enough to crawl all over you and buzz in your ears and then fly away. (shudder) So far, I'd say that the worst of these moments have come during singleness and during our trying to get pregnant, but I've heard that they also come during parenting, so there's something to look forward to. I can actually hear my friend's voice in my head telling me to cut them some slack and show them a little grace, and she's right. But each day that comes seems to bring a new opportunity to test the waters on just how much a person can take. 

This weekend, while I was out of town, Mr. N. got approached at church by a WMP (well meaning person). She, all in good humor, proceeded to tell him that the pressure is on for us to have kids next, since nearly every other couple our age now has a newborn. He was pretty taken off guard by this and is starting to realize just how often this happens. We both thank God that I wasn't there for this particular encounter, but last night I started thinking about the comment, "the pressure is on". It seemed to catch fire as I turned it over and over and I realized that she has no idea how long the pressure has actually been on us:
  • since the first moment I realized I wanted to grow up and be a Mommy
  • since I got married when I was 29 after praying to God that He wouldn't make me wait past 21
  • since we decided to wait until we were financially stable and in a home of our own before trying for kids
  • every time we're asked by people we don't know that well when we're going to have babies
  • since we had a random toll booth operator on the Bay Bridge tell us that we'd be pregnant by January and have a baby boy in 2011 (no joke)
  • every moment I realize that Mr. N. is a little disappointed, too, by this whole thing
  • since we discovered that our church was going through its second round of reproducing like bunnies
  • every single Sunday when I have to look at an ex-girlfriend of Mr. N.'s and her husband proudly toting their brand new baby boy
  • being caught in the first birthday season of all the friends who have already had babies
  • since we realized that people actually think we don't want kids or aren't that interested, when they have no idea of how badly we want this or how hard we're trying
  • every birthday that passes sending me further into my 30's
  • since we finally discovered that we needed to visit a fertility doctor to find out what was wrong
  • every time I struggle with how God made me and trying to accept His design as beautiful and not a mistake
  • and now with every blood test, invasive procedure, building hope, disappointment......
We have no shortage of pressure here. We're good, thanks. Still, we know that they mean well. They always do. They have no idea what they're saying, how their words are actually being taken. No idea that being single or not having kids doesn't mean that suddenly they have the right to ask anything they want about your personal life. No idea that we can't control our own time line on this. I hate being blamed in smiles and well wishes for not being parents yet, and think it's craziness that the majority of this comes from people outside of our families, people we don't know all that well to begin with. God be praised, we truly have the BEST families in the world. Our parents encourage us and pray for us, and never guilt trip us on why they're not grandparents yet. I know not all couples can say the same. The people who truly know us are the ones who offer us the most normalcy, the ones who can cry or laugh with us, and the ones who can honestly tell us that it is possible to just smile and offer grace to those who are trying to show concern and excitement in their own "special" way.

One thing that I'm learning along the way is that nothing is too small to give thanks for. As much as there is no shortage of pressure, there is also no shortage of blessing in the pain:
  • having a husband who lovingly keeps me from foolishly believing all of this is somehow my fault and who is willing to play an active role in this whole process
  • having a monthly cycle miraculously start on time so that we can get on with the rest of the testing
  • getting encouragement from the lab tech drawing my blood and listening to her point out good things that can come from all of this
  • those brief moments of realizing that God knows all about this and He designed this for good and for His glory
  • those brief moments of not comparing ourselves to every other couple and remembering that our story is unique
  • seeing little bits of growth in the absolute lowest points
  • having both of our parents and families not pressure us, but encourage us and pray for us
  • having a trusted circle of friends to stand beside us
  • learning more about other friend's stories who have had to go through the same or more difficult situations to get pregnant
  • learning to be more sensitive when it comes to how we talk to our single friends or those married with no children yet
  • growing closer as a couple through all of this
  • having the finances to afford doctor visits and treatments
  • remembering that whether we get babies through this process or through adopting, or both, we're still going to have a house full of amazing children someday
  • learning to trust God fully, even though it's a moment by moment struggle
So, we continue on learning more every day about grace, about God, about ourselves. We've hit bottom a few different times now, but we know that God is just as much beside us in the tears and valleys as He is in the hope and on the mountain tops.  

1 comment:

  1. Stacey (and Mark), We love you and are praying for you. I know God will be blessing you with babies, even if it is not yet know how or when. Thank you for sharing your story, I know it takes courage to be vulnerable in this way, and your continued faith and hope shines through. We will continue to pray for you. with love, kristin