Thursday, October 13, 2011
DAY 8: WHEN IT'S HARD TO HOPE
The next three weeks will prove to be a whirlwind for us. We will be taking the first big out of state trip we've ever taken as a married couple. Go D.C.! We will be coming home in time for Mr. N. to get ready for his next out of state work trip. If all goes well, we'll also be starting and completing our fertility treatment. In this small window of 15 days that it takes to start and finish this treatment, we realized that everything must happen exactly as scheduled in order for this to work this month....to...the...day.
We never take big trips. The biggest trip we've taken in three years was to Disneyland with my family (OHMYGOSHILOVEDISNEYLANDSOMUCH!!!!!!!!!!!). We wanted this one to be our 3 year anniversary trip. My monthly cycle is rarely on time these days and yet last month it was only one day late and we were able to get all of our fertility testing done with no problems. Now we wait to see if October will be as perfect, because if it's not we have to wait until next month to try for a baby. If all starts on time, I'll be on meds during our trip, and we'll come home to ovulation tests, doctor visits, and procedures. But there might be a baby this time.
I want so much to hope, to believe that THIS could be the time....our time. I want to believe that all the waiting, and aching, and tears, and trying to hope, and failing to hope, and picking names, and praying could finally be culminating over possibly the most awkward set of 15 days one could pick for such a thing. It would make an incredible story. A story only God could tell, only He could ordain. And so I hope, even though every ounce of me screams not to, reminding me of every disappointment of the past. I don't want to be disappointed, again. I don't want to stress about this, again. I don't want to wait another month, only to see it fail, again. I don't want to watch the next wave of pregnancy pass through our friends and church and leave us on the sidelines, again. I don't know that I could take all of this pain, again. But I do want to trust and be glad regardless of how this goes. I want to remember that I'm not guaranteed anything, but God still works ALL THINGS together for our good and His glory. I want to let God have His way and be stronger than the pain. I want to wish and hope with childlike anticipation that November could be the beginning of a new and very tiny life. It's such a scary thing to hope.
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18