CHRISTMAS IS A COMIN'!

Photo courtesy of Martha Stewart

It has been far too long since my last post. So much has been happening at our end. So much I can't share until next week. But our lives are full and we are adjusting to the unexpected of each day. 

Christmas is on its way and we are finishing up with the last minute tasks we have on our list. I wrapped presents this weekend, when the cats would leave the ribbon alone, and it was so much fun to see each one so festive and shiny (the gifts, not the cats)! While Mr. N. was out of town, I pulled out our antenna and caught Frosty the Snowman on tv. Oh, how I still love those Christmas cartoons being shown on network television. Now, if only I can catch A Charlie Brown Christmas! The tree has been up since the weekend after Thanksgiving, our new mantle is finished and is absolutely incredible (I need to post pictures, I know). I also finished painting the fireplace! Our little house is coming together. One thing that's different this year is that we'll have family over at various times throughout the Christmas week, so I'm trying to put my game face on and get things done despite feeling a bit under the weather. Onward and upward! 

I hope that in the midst of the hectic that this time of year can bring, you are stopping to thank our Lord for coming as a baby to save us so many years ago. Take some time to just savor the moments around you.

VETERAN'S DAY

This is a picture that I took when Mr. N. and I visited Arlington National Cemetery a few weeks ago. It's an incredible place. It's so peaceful and quiet. Reverent. Birds are chirping, and very occasionally you can hear a few whispers of people passing. Otherwise, it's silent. Simple, white headstones are everywhere. They're nestled under trees and stand triumphantly on hillsides. It's a sobering reminder of just how many people have fought and died for our country. Even more sobering to realize that these headstones don't even represent all of the fallen. And yet, people still sign up today to join the Armed Forces in fighting for us and our country. What would we do without them? It's sad that our society today doesn't honor our soldiers even close to how they used to in years past. The country would rally behind THEM, whether they believed in the war itself or not. Today, it's about protesting or standing outside a soldiers funeral picketing. How far we have fallen. 

At ANC there was also an unmistakable pride and sense of honor that radiated from the soldiers we saw. They take what they do very seriously. They honor the past and fight in the present FOR US. All of the people ridiculously camped out in tents and defecating in the park as part of their protesting across the United States.....they're fighting for you. All of the middle class, the rich, the poor.....they're fighting for you. The children who still need a free country to be raised in......they're fighting for you. They're fighting for you and for me. Let's pay tribute to them today and say thank you. They've given so much for us.

Left at the Vietnam Memorial Wall

OFF THE MAP

Photo courtesy of Martha Stewart

As you may have noticed, I've been off the map for a bit. Mr. N. and I took a rare vacation to Washington, DC this past week and had a blast. It was a great getaway for our third anniversary, as well as a nice chance to getaway from all of the other real life stresses we've been dealing with lately. Sometimes you just need to step away and gain some perspective, which is not always possible when you're in the thick of things. 

In the spirit of improvement, I also had a realization that if I'm stressing myself out to keep entering posts to keep up with the 31 days series, then that in itself is not promoting improvement. When I post things it's because I feel inspired to do so. Sometimes, improvement is cutting ourselves some slack, which I'm not usually good at doing. So, I've decided to resume my normal posts, sharing about what's on my heart or something cool I've come across at any given time. I'll plan much better for next year's challenge. =] 

This week, our lives are all about our fertility treatments, so I'm a little nervous, and excited, and more nervous. It's finally time to see what happens. Okay, granted, we still have a few weeks before we know if things actually take this time around, but at least the ball will be rolling. 

Hope that you all are enjoying the beautiful autumn air this afternoon! Happy November a little early! More to come!

DAY 11: BEFORE WE GET STARTED

This morning, I talked to a new client on the phone. She asked me to take pictures of her parents for their 50th wedding anniversary. Now, I do not label myself a Photographer by any stretch. I know who I consider to be true "Photographers" and I do not fall anywhere close, so I don't give myself the title and cringe when other people label me as such. I studied mostly old school, black and white photography in college and would spend entire days locked in a darkroom  (one of my most favorite places in the entire world) processing film and printing pictures. I left school early, though, for various reasons, one of which being that I realized if I wanted to have a career in photography I would need to really sell my work...sell myself. The thought of yelling "pick me, pick me!" still is far too scary and doesn't interest me in the least. One of the appeals of photography is being able to hide behind the camera and secretly capture those things I see as beautiful, even if nobody else sees them that way. I also get to help people capture memories of their loved ones and that is quite a humbling gift. It's a quiet place, a safe place. A safe place that becomes not so safe when I put a price on my work. So, if asked, I take pictures for a few friends and others here and there for a small fee. I don't chase work, it usually finds me cowering in a corner trying to convince it to ask someone else. 

After finishing the phone conversation this morning, the insecurity began. It's always there, really, but it flares up a bit more when the pressure is on. Like water being in a teapot lying dormant until the heat is on. I haven't even met these people, but I'm already critiquing myself and fearing an unhappy outcome. This isn't the only area of my life where the critiquing happens. It's easy to allow the voice in my head, the one I think knows me best, to remind me again why I shouldn't even bother trying, why I'll never be anything worthwhile. It gives me another valid reason for not taking the risk and I listen. Why is it that this is the voice that I listen to so often? Why should it get stage time and be allowed to suck the energy, the joy, and the very life out of me?

Even in typing these words I realized that the voice in my head is NOT the one that knows me best. Why? Because the voice inside only sees things from my perspective. It may know my shortcomings, my past failures, my fears, my deepest desires, my quiet tears, but it can't see the whole picture of my life. Only God can do that. He can see my life from start to finish. He can see what I was created for, the lives He has ordained for me to touch in some small way. He can see my shortcomings and fears and knows exactly what I can handle. He can see those things I see as past failures in the context of my whole life and knows how those may have helped me change course to be right where I am today. He sees my deepest desires and longs for me to make His desires for me my own. He sees my quiet tears and is right there beside me in every moment. Why isn't it His voice that I listen for? Why isn't He the one I run to first? Sometimes I'm afraid to hear Him, what He might say. Not because I think His words will be ones of anger, but because I'm afraid they'll be what I know they'll be, words of love and encouragement. He would tell me that I'm His daughter, that I'm beautiful, that He loves me more than I could ever know, and it would be hard to believe Him, because I don't think I'm worthy of such love. And I'm not. But He loves me anyways. Without condition. Without fail. It's not about me, it's about Him. 

If only His was the voice that I listened to when the critiquing started. If only His was the strength I relied on when my fear is overwhelming. If only His were the arms that I fell into when I feel utterly defeated before even starting. I hope that I reach a point in my life where this is commonplace. Until then, it's worth working towards. Do you ever feel the same way? 

DAY 10: LETTING YOUR INSPIRATION SPEAK

From Holly Mathis Interiors

It's so easy sometimes to fall into the trap of doing what everyone else is doing. It's hard to let our own voice speak when it feels like we're getting whispers of, "That's wrong!" from every side. I know for me, that whispering voice is in my own head most of the time, rather than from the sidelines, but little by little I'm learning to embrace the things I love. This has been a huge learning process in everything from clothing to decorating. Most days, I feel like I'm about 10 years behind in the accepting myself for who I am. It's not easy, but it is freeing when those little breakthroughs come along. It's not about doing what everyone else is doing, anyways. It's about creating an environment YOU (and your loved ones) love to be in. It's about putting together a wardrobe that YOU love to wear. It's about taking a little risk and TRYING even if you might fail a few times. I'm convinced that the outcome will be far better than if we never try at all and live life full of regret. So, let's raise our glasses to risk taking and inspiration!

DAY 9: HOME IMPROVEMENTS

This WAS our mantle:

This IS our mantle:

(p.s. the old homeowners were the ones who painted our fire place except for the top two inches or so. we actually love the natural brick, so we're trying to figure out what to do, since once brick is painted it's a forever thing. *tear)

This is why:

Photo from Addicted 2 Decorating

We are hoping to follow this tutorial to make a new mantle that looks like an old hunk of wood. Supposedly, it only costs about $25 to make this transformation, which is incredible. We'll see if that's actually the case. Taking the old mantle off and leaving it that way is incentive for us to pick up the pace and tackle the project already. =] I'll keep you posted.

DAY 8: WHEN IT'S HARD TO HOPE

The next three weeks will prove to be a whirlwind for us. We will be taking the first big out of state trip we've ever taken as a married couple. Go D.C.! We will be coming home in time for Mr. N. to get ready for his next out of state work trip. If all goes well, we'll also be starting and completing our fertility treatment. In this small window of 15 days that it takes to start and finish this treatment, we realized that everything must happen exactly as scheduled in order for this to work this month....to...the...day.

We never take big trips. The biggest trip we've taken in three years was to Disneyland with my family (OHMYGOSHILOVEDISNEYLANDSOMUCH!!!!!!!!!!!). We wanted this one to be our 3 year anniversary trip. My monthly cycle is rarely on time these days and yet last month it was only one day late and we were able to get all of our fertility testing done with no problems. Now we wait to see if October will be as perfect, because if it's not we have to wait until next month to try for a baby. If all starts on time, I'll be on meds during our trip, and we'll come home to ovulation tests, doctor visits, and procedures. But there might be a baby this time.

I want so much to hope, to believe that THIS could be the time....our time. I want to believe that all the waiting, and aching, and tears, and trying to hope, and failing to hope, and picking names, and praying could finally be culminating over possibly the most awkward set of 15 days one could pick for such a thing. It would make an incredible story. A story only God could tell, only He could ordain. And so I hope, even though every ounce of me screams not to, reminding me of every disappointment of the past. I don't want to be disappointed, again. I don't want to stress about this, again. I don't want to wait another month, only to see it fail, again. I don't want to watch the next wave of pregnancy pass through our friends and church and leave us on the sidelines, again. I don't know that I could take all of this pain, again. But I do want to trust and be glad regardless of how this goes. I want to remember that I'm not guaranteed anything, but God still works ALL THINGS together for our good and His glory. I want to let God have His way and be stronger than the pain. I want to wish and hope with childlike anticipation that November could be the beginning of a new and very tiny life. It's such a scary thing to hope.

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18